Basic rules of In-Laws Management!

In India, a person doesn’t just marry another person; he or she marries her or his family. However, most of the dating couples never care to spend some time on thinking about their partner’s family even though the elders emphasize explicitly, “IN-LAWS DO MATTER”

The concern is not at all an irrational one. Even most of the surveys show that in-law relations are a key determinant of marital happiness.

Here are some of the basic rules to maintain a healthy and happy married life with your spouse.

Rule # 1: Loyalty is to your spouse

Once a person is married and starts his/her own family, the person’s priority changes and so the loyalty as well. The elders are unequivocal; so it is the duty of a person to support his or her spouse and to manage their own family. The basic rule of marriage is that the partners must present a cohesive front to both families, making it clear from the beginning that your spouse comes first. Even in the heat of a moment, an individual needs to stand by his/her spouse and not by respective families. All most all survey says, “In a conflict between spouse and family, always support your spouse.”

Rule # 2: Fix issues in marriage within the marriage.

One of the major mistakes that couples often do is sharing their relationship issues with their respective families. Of course, when people go through a rough patch, they tend to share their feelings with their close people. However, looking for a solution outside of the marriage is not a good idea. Therefore, the best way to find the right solution is by talking to your partner and not by turning away from your partner.

Always keep this in mind that venting to parents every time you’re angry or hurt will build a case against your partner. The conflict between a couple may get resolved after some time, but your close family never forgets the pain your spouse caused to you which may hold bitterness for your partner.

Rule # 3: Apposite boundaries are necessary.

There is a great saying that ‘Good fences make good neighbors.’ From a metaphoric point of view, consider your in-laws as your neighbors, and you need to create fences. Set boundaries and control their interferences in your married life. You are the only person to decide when they can come in and out of your life appropriately. You need to remember that you have got a finite amount of physical as well as emotional energy and when your in-laws are draining you then you need to change the limitations. However, reassure them that you are not closing them out.

Rule # 4: Talking about it, is essential

Privacy is one of the major demands of a marital relationship. If your in-laws are ramming into your married life and invading your privacy, perchance the reason behind this is you and your partner haven’t set limits or enunciated them. Talking to your parents is not as fragile as you think, so this is your job to set boundaries and talk to them about this.

Rule # 5: Deal with “the other woman” dynamic.

The first ‘other woman’ in any married man’s life is considered as his mother. In most of the couples it is quite common that partners often say, “Well, my mom does it this way…”; and of course, it is healthy, when you share your feelings or emotions related to ‘mother-son’  bond. However, husbands must not forget that the person with whom you are living in, is your partner for a lifetime. Your partner can not be the reflection of your mother because she is your spouse. Respect that and appreciate and accept her way of doing things as well. On the other hand, the wives must need to tell and make their partners realize that time has come where you come first not anything or anyone else.

Rule # 6: Know your role and do your best

If your partner has a problem with his or her mother-in-law, it’s your turn to step in. The person with the prime relationship that is the son or daughter required to act as the peacemaker. If a husband has some issues with his mother-in-law, then the wife’s job is to help him to resolve the problem. Similarly, if a wife is having problems with her in-laws, it’s the husband who supports her resolve it.

Rule # 7: Try not to criticize your spouse.

When you are with your parents, don’t forget that your partner is new to your family and he or she might take time to understand the emotion or bonding that you share with your parents. There may be parent/child dynamics that your spouse can’t see. So, this is the crucial time for him or her, where he or she may feel left out in the family. So, apart from staying with him or her, the first thing you need to do is try not to be overly critical and never criticize or make fun of your spouse in front of your family. Criticizing leads to more complications to understand your partner’s feelings and emotions.

Rule # 8: Don’t be a fighter always.

Most people tend to prove their point at the wrong time. It does not always need to be right during an argument, even when your in-laws are wrong from your perspective. The best way to face a fight or an argument is to stay calm. Research says the way you react to a situation adds fuel to the fight or the argument, which consequently overshadow your position. You need to keep this in mind that in a married life ‘being happy matters a lot than being right’.  

Rule # 9: Don’t involve kids.

Kids must not be used as pawns or weapons of war. Protect your children from being manipulated or emotionally spoiled by being in the mid of a war zone. Grandparents need to understand or else it is your responsibility to make them realize that even though their role is important in a child’s life, their involvement is a privilege, not a right. Also, they need to earn that privilege by keeping the kid’s interests above their own. Parents should make all efforts to maintain a healthy and loving relationship between a grandparent and grandchild.

In conclusion, In-laws management is not like staying away from parents.  Of course, you can love your parents and share a rich, active and healthy relationship with them but this should be and must be without involving them in your marriage.